"Ass Bandit"

Source unknown

A little present

I'm moving out of my apartment next month, so my landlord is showing it all day today to potential tenants. Just to make things interesting I decided to double up on my coffee intake this morning so as to produce the healthiest of dumps, which I left sitting in the bowl (seat up) for all the potential tenants to see and smell. Welcome.

FtB

My Appendix! Oh, wait...

I woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss and felt this excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. It felt like my appendix was going to burst, then I realized it was probably just that fried oyster po' boy coursing its way through my lower intestines. First thing I did was chug a huge cup of coffee when I woke up, which did the trick. Pounds lighter and no more pain!

FtB

Computer in Bathroom

I was taking a piss in my building when I saw a guy go running into one of the stalls with his computer. I bet thought he was really clever until he realized there was no where to put his lap top when it came time wipe his ass. God speed good buddy.

FtB

Air Guitar

Intense cup of coffee + Tool at full volume = porcelain air guitar.

I was killing it this morning with my pants at my ankles. I'm pretty sure I nailed every guitar part and drum solo from Intolerance.

FtB

The Duel

There isn't room for both of us in this town. It's just you and me. Only one of us will achieve victory.

Listen to the soundtrack on youtube.

-Soild Mass

Shoe Shopping

Is it weird to compare footwear while you're dropping a load? I found myself doing that this morning while I myself was emptying the tanks. My Chucks ain't got nothing on those Loafs. Slick kicks homeboy!

-Solid Mass

Lamaze

I'm pretty sure I could teach those classes they offer for expectant mothers. I ate some oatmeal and yogurt this morning and washed it down with a trucker-sized mug of coffee. Perfectly tensioned abdominal muscles and constant, even breathing are a must when squeezing out an enormous terd. It takes real effort to get that thing out in one piece without inadvertently pinching it off into several smaller chunks...I basically give birth every morning.

FtB

Reverse

I looked down while standing at the urinal today and saw a pair of feet in the stall next to me. Something didn't look right, though. His feet were pointed the same direction as mine. I also heard this awful churning sound echoing off the tile walls and saw some kind of murky liquid splattered all over the floor. I thought perhaps this dude had stumbled upon some new secret method for dropping a deuce. I was oddly curious and jealous at the same time. Turns out it was just a plumber doing some work on the toilet. I may have give it a try anyways...at least you'd have the tank to rest your arms and head on.

FtB

Crapocalypse

Always need to be prepared for disaster:

FtB

Travel + Leisure Ranks Best Cities to Crap

Travel + Leisure actually ranked "America's Best Coffee Cities." I didn't see "quality of bathrooms" anywhere on their criteria, which is strange. Clearly a major oversight on the part of their editorial staff.

You can read the full article from MSNBC here.

FtB

Maximize Flow With This Bowl-Buster

When you are sitting on the pot, there's nothing like a nice, comfortable and relaxing dump. However, there is an extent to where your dump quickly turns into an all day affair. And who wants that?

When your dump hits overtime it can be a dramatic experience--especially if you've got a meeting to catch or a phone call to make. For those occasions, I've recently been turning to some new, high-strength accelerator. It's like fuel for that nitro-burning butt-hole of yours. It'll surely get the wheel turnin' and it's appropriately labeled, "Wake the fuck up"...although it should have a disclaimer attached that warned of impending doom and its side effects, "get ready to spray the back of the bowl" or, be renamed altogether to, "Shit your brains out."

Take it from us, The Generals of Dump, this shit works--literally!

-Solid Mass

Mount Ass-uvius

I chugged a huge cup of coffee this morning. However, my usual post-coffee dump has alluded me thus far today. I feel like I'm sitting atop a poo-cano that's ready to explode at any minute!

FtB

Uh-Oh!

In an office environment you can hear all sorts of things, conversations and comments. In this case, I heard one of my co-workers' thoughts out loud and I returned with a quick reply to that thought.

It went down like this...

Nick: "Uh-Oh!"

Solid Mass: "What, you gotta poop?"

Nick: "Yup!" (running to the bathroom)

-Solid Mass

Happy Birthday

"First gift of the day."

- From a friend celebrating his 27th birthday today

No Coffee Saturday

I didn't drink any coffee yesterday. My body didn't know how to react in the absence of its usual poo-accelerant (coffee). So, by about 4pm I decided it was time to pinch one out regardless. I've never tried so hard to squeeze out two pathetic little rabbit terds. I can't wait to have my coffee again and take a real hold-on-the-rails-get-the-hell-out-of-my-way kind of dump on Monday.

FtB

Hard Work

Seeing as how unloading massive, monstrous dumps every morning that require a ton of clean up can be considered "work", shouldn't we get a day off? Possibly a little vacation?

Maybe that's why we have constipation. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet

-Solid Mass

Either or...

Either someone had a very angry and messy dump, or I missed the "TP" party. Let's just make sure I get an invite next time.

-Solid Mass

Back on the throne

In the stall right now and all the guy next to me has done is fart and cough so far. I'm literally covering my mouth with my hand so that I don't start laughing out loud.

FtB

Food For Thought

To my fellow dumpee's

Is it any coincidence that my shit, and on occasion, diarrhea is the same color (and sometimes consistency) as my coffee?

-Solid Mass

You know...

...you're a dumpaholic when you finish your morning cup of coffee while taking a crap.

-FtB

Smile For The Birdie

Because every egg needs a proper nest...

-Solid Mass

Immunity

I sat next to a guy who managed to kill a 12 oz cup of coffee, bowl of oatmeal and bran muffin during an hour and a half meeting this morning and he didn't even flinch. It's a miracle he didn't shit himself half way through the meeting. He must have some sort of rare immunity to coffee or something.

- FtB

Phone Trap

I called my dad this morning at the same time I poured my first cup of coffee. Big mistake. There's no way to subtly signal over the phone I need to drop some heat right NOW. I just hung up and pretended my phone went dead. Sorry dad.

- FtB

A Quick End

Sealing my own fate
- Solid Mass